A dear friend of mine asked me if I had heard of the acronym WAIT in Al-Anon? It stands for why am I talking? I was not familiar with it and it’s the absolute best way for me to keep myself in check.
Something I was made acutely aware of is that nothing anyone said to me could truly make a difference when Douglas shed his earth suit. I understand others meant well and had good intentions, yet what generally came out were words that consoled the giver, because to say nothing didn’t feel like a viable option perhaps. I get it as this is no stranger to me as I have done it too, yet as I’m learning I’m trying to not find myself in that default mode as frequently.
My mother said the only thing that meant anything to me and it was because we shared child loss. She said, “It will not always feel as it does in this moment, like a knife in your heart, over time it will begin to feel different.” Those words nestled themselves into my being and she wasn’t instructing me not to feel the way I was or instilling a false hope. Her sharing was her truth and it did become mine slowly over time even if I wondered if it ever would?
Today, I find myself choosing my words carefully because I know what I was longing for. Simply to have my words held with me because no one could take me out of where I needed to BE. If I was sad, raging, without words, depressed, fearful, not making any sense, that is where I was and to try to pull me away from that place prematurely was futile. My listeners needed to jump in and join me where I was and not try to pull me to where they were. This is no small task and not everyone can do it and that’s okay, yet those that did and still can are my lifeline and go to people.
When I think of WAIT, what comes in for me is that it is an opportunity for me to run a self check. Am I talking because I am feeling nervous, afraid, uncomfortable and what makes me think that anything said from that place could ever be helpful for another?
What it generally results in is a fallout of emotions for the receiver because more shame, disconnect and angst comes in and a further divide is created. One feels dismissed, as if we are just too much so the mask comes on because that is our go to when it does not feel safe to share what is really happening within us.
This is not the first time that I have brought up this habitual habit that our culture has for not being able to sit in the sadness with another. Our knee jerk responses are to try to remind them of all they should be happy about, to count one’s blessings, to compare something they are going through to find common ground and none of this works nor makes anyone feel better.
What if we could think of WAIT, and paused long enough to allow the silence, the feelings that are being shared to feel held in the most loving and gentle of ways? Without it feeling like a game of hot potato with how quickly can the hard thing not be tossed and passed onto another? It would be a revolution as our Glennon Doyle often reminds us.
Mastery of this feels elusive, yet it’s so worth remaining cognizant of. When I mess up and I will I desire to own it and to keep showing up anyway. It’s actually a muscle that strengthens the more I work and engage it. Words may become fuzzy and forgotten over time, yet the feelings we experience of truly being heard, they become the gift we find ourselves leaning into and yearning for.
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