A Three Legged Stool

I was recently asked to write about the topic of adult alcoholic children and several of the questions revolved around the effects it has on family relationships and how do we manage our reactions? Also, what about a mother’s self doubt and guilt related to giving up someone else’s baggage, while maintaining our supportive involvement and encouragement?

Whenever I think about addiction I see a three legged stool. One leg belongs to anyone affected by the disease, another leg is our qualifier, (a word I was introduced to in 12 step meetings which feels less triggering) and the final leg belonging to the addiction. We are trying to learn how to be in the midst and it is continually changing. There may be stretches of time where space is needed and not direct contact. Metta, the sending of loving kindness and blessings can become our communication, because in that way we are doing something positive, rather than sending worry, pain and angst.

I must disclose upfront that I will never understand how and why some discover and can maintain their sobriety and well-being. While others no matter how hard they may try simply cannot. Deepest of sighs… When I have asked this question specifically there is a wide gamut of responses, yet the one that comes in often is the denial of the disease and that truly they believe they can learn how to manage it. I remember in meetings a most humble reminder being that our qualifier was addicted to a substance and we were addicted to them. Our obsession can become just as insidious and harmful as theirs if gone unchecked and without support/help. There has to be a willingness to keep trying, to believe, and often heard in 12 step rooms is: "Don't quit before the miracle happens."

Attending Al-Anon meetings and reading the literature was such an eye opener because we were not in those meetings bashing those in the next room. What we were doing was sharing our part in it, our experiences, hopes, and where we were finding strength. Recognizing that I was not alone when I heard someone share the 3 C’s was the first time I believe I stopped holding my breath waiting for the next shoe to drop. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. What that realization did was I stopped asking, tracking, being manipulative in my questioning and trying to manage that which is unmanageable and that I am powerless over.

I gained an understanding that I could not pick up someone else’s baggage and try to carry it for them because it was not mine to do. It could actually be hindering rather than helping them in their addiction. I had to continue to place all my energy and focus back on the only person I had any semblance of control over, ME.

It was a most humbling experience to sit in my Monday night meeting and listen to how others were living their lives as fully as they could. Even with some joy and laughter contained within it no matter what their qualifier was doing. In early recovery I could not even imagine that because so much of how I was feeling and doing was enmeshed within their behavior. This is where the rubber hits the road, that no matter what they are engaged in, how can we maintain our center and live our lives as best as we can offering them over to their Higher Power and remembering that we are not it.

A common thread that wove our tattered heart strings together was how to be compassionate without getting sucked into the crazy. One woman mentioned her husband blacking out at the bottom of their stairs and she would fetch a blanket to drape over him. That is a simple act of care that one can do that demonstrates recognizing and honoring the humanity within another.

When I reflect upon what has helped me the most and still does is to trust that each individual has the power to choose, and yes, the disease of addiction is not a choice, yet what they decide to do with it, is. There are multiple ways of seeking help from rehab to 12 step meetings and everything in-between. A key ingredient that I have heard is when the obsession over the using loosens its white knuckled grip on the individual. This is a huge corner to turn as it takes away the monkey mind, the cravings and allows the time and energy for the inner work to begin.

The following letter I first heard read in an early Al-Anon meeting and found it transformative in my growing understanding of what is helpful and may even become a stepping stone to recovery.

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic