Photo credit from Justine, mother of Danielle's memory garden
I am still teary after getting off my call with my mentor. I even had to go and change my clothes, a sweaty, yet SO amazingly life giving and affirming session. A deep bow to you dear Sarah. www.sarahreneeinc.com
There is this portal that exists that I have spoken of that always begins about this time, a month or so before my son’s angel day. My monkey mind has been looping with thoughts about motherhood and why was I even one in this incarnation because I fear I have botched it so terribly. There is a heart tether among bereaved mothers that is wound so tightly around our being that we are an empathic failure in some form or another to not have been able to keep our children safe and earth side. Sadly, we understand that we are not that powerful and never were.
It matters not what is told to us and how our minds might try to rationalize, compartmentalize, it’s a universal sorrow bereaved parents carry as it’s not how it was ever supposed to be. Today I brought up the elephant in my room of motherhood. Even wondering why did it even happen for me in this lifetime because I feel as if I have botched it up so terribly. I might be a part of a very small number of women who can actually admit this to themselves as it’s filled with unbearable shame, yet it resides within me.
Explaining how I felt I have rocked being a wife, a teacher, chaplain, friend… Of course none of it without its moments, yet not where I reside in the mothering department. I’m not sure why I am so hard on myself and buy into the chatter of my inner critic as I often do? My mentor and I began a deep dive into this which we’ll be unpacking for several more sessions. I had a pile of tissue on my coffee table and was so sweaty I had to change my clothes after our session. We were plumbing the depths of this core wound that has needed a poking as it’s been festering.
My son, Douglas, came in on the session as he does from time to time and he had a lot to say. He mentioned that he knows I never wished to have had another child. To love him as I did and still do no matter the living hell we lived through with his disease of addiction and not hating him (his words) was absolute unconditional love and the true meaning of motherhood.
This incarnation has been more about my children learning and witnessing me navigate my challenges, choices I’m making and how they are impacting my healing and growth which ultimately is informing theirs as well.
I’m not sure I had ever imagined motherhood through this lens, perhaps in part, yet not with this clarity. My mentor reassured me as did Douglas, that once his mother, always one and that his soul continues to bask in unconditional love as he witnesses me in my daily living with its joys and challenges
The ripple effect of such a traumatic loss is always lodged within my bones and I learn how to walk along with it most days, yet sometimes it causes a limp in my gait. A searing pain overtakes me and I have to work tirelessly to not catastrophize as my chaplain supervisor, Linc, would catch me entangled with. Rather choose to move underneath the layers to get to the truth of the kind of mother I was and still am.
My homework before our next session given to me by Douglas and my guides is to make a list of all the ways in which I rocked motherhood. A written, tangible piece of proof that I didn’t totally ‘fail’ at this motherhood gig. I know I didn’t, truly I do, yet what must begin to happen is those less than stellar moments that I have made my amends for and am not repeating to move further into the distance in the landscape of my life. When I am triggered, feeling low, they come parading in front row and center and can throw the meanest and most cruel, teasing taunts my way.
This is an aspect of me, that I am eager and ready to get to know, befriend actually over time and discover what she believes she might be protecting me from? We are in conversation and I am listening, creating space and curious. I sense she might feel relieved that she is no longer ‘needed’ in this way and this is a major corner I finally feel deserving and worthy to round. It's time...
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