An Unexpected Happening

Such a beautiful, energizing and most unexpected happening occurred recently. Five and a half years had passed since we had last seen one another and they had come into our lives like a fire ball and left with a similar trajectory.

I am always willing to write very candidly and openly about myself, yet when someone else is involved I honor their confidentiality, thus I will try to share without being too cryptic and coded as best as I’m able. I will be using the name of Harper.

If I had anticipated beforehand I would be sharing space with Harper, I sense there might have been stories and narratives swirling anxiously in my mind. Reasons I would be crafting of why I was in need of armoring, guarding and protecting, thus very cautiously not offering over my whole self.

However, what occurred was I noticed Harper and stepped forward, arms outstretched and they froze, very unsure of how to respond? I asked if I could offer a hug, understanding full well that my request might not be received, yet it was. We were cautious, unsure, awkward, yet willing to feel all those uncomfortable feelings at first and still give it a try.

As we stood waiting for the event to begin which had gathered us in the same place, I turned quietly to Harper, offering a sincere apology for the hurt, pain, and sense of abandonment which was my part that I had caused. I knew this to be true because I chose to create a boundary and make a conscious choice of not inserting myself where I did not belong. I had to make my health and well-being a priority. If that required distancing myself from the situation at hand, that was my choice to make and I chose myself first.

My amends were uttered without an expectation of being accepted, because sometimes we simply cannot forgive, just yet, or maybe ever, yet that was a chance I was willing to take. My mouth was moving, words were spilling out and honestly, they were not from me, yet spoken through me.

What I do know for sure is that owning what is mine I must do again and again. It does not mean that I am harsh with myself nor fall into the pit of shame, in fact, it has quite the opposite effect. It’s owning and being willing to hear how my actions landed for another. Is this easy, absolutely not, yet the more I engage within it and lean into the humility it offers, the more natural a process it is becoming.

Can I recall exactly what was said? Absolutely not. However, it is how I felt in the moment and how I am currently which is reassuring that it was positive and so much than I could have imagined. A litmus test involving alignment, possibility, and a shared hope as we move forward.

I am so deeply grateful for this inner healing opportunity/happening in the midst of such a turbulent outer world. Remembering to not carry an agenda of having to be right, simply desiring to listen without defensiveness nor justification, and create a tabula rasa where we may begin once again. If nothing more evolves from our encounter,  that is okay too, because forced outcomes laced with expectations are not what is desired. A healing has been ours, a massive boulder rolled away to the side allowing light and oxygen to find their way to us.

I moved on with my day feeling lighter in my step and with a carbonated sense of expansive ease. Holding a vision of the endless ripples going forth from a merging of our tender, vulnerable and unguarded hearts. Traveling far beyond our individual selves and carrying with it endless possibilities of what we do not even have to quantify. Such are the mysteries of this Earth School we are each currently enrolled in.

“It is untrue that bravery can be measured by a lack of fear. It takes guts to tremble. It takes tremble to love.” ~ Andrea Gibson