I received a call very early this morning and my mind was reeling. The connection was not clear and I heard the words, died, and I could not make out who? Finally the connection cleared, and the words came out that my most favorite and dearest cousin in the world, had experienced a sudden cardiac event in his car and crashed. He was by himself and I don’t know anything more than that. I will wait and understand what honoring one’s space during a tragic time such as this entails. SO many questions to be answered, details and arrangements to be taken care of and energy reserves are severely tapped and need to be conserved.
Disbelief, severe brain fog started creeping in as didn’t we just speak but a few weeks ago about our upcoming birthdays ( which are only a day apart) and our general checking in that we do? I had to double check my phone to see the date of our last call as I couldn’t be sure? There it was, the 13th of February, yes, it had happened.
Don had made such a point to me several years ago when he wanted to come and visit us with his wife as he had said that he waited too long and didn’t do it before my brother was too ill to receive guests. It haunted him and he had promised never again to miss out on opportunities. It had been too long since we had last seen one another, thus, our time shared was precious indeed. I believe he needed to check on me to make sure that my husband and I were okay after the loss of Douglas.
As pictures were taken at the restaurant where we had dinner I caught a look on his face gazing at Richard and me that felt extremely wistful. I wasn’t sure what was coming in for him, yet somehow did his being know that this would be our last earthly hug? I’m not sure, yet recalling this as vividly as I do makes me wonder and his gaze was one I had never experienced before from him.
Yesterday I felt nothing out of the ordinary, my husband and I enjoyed our Sunday beach day. No uneasiness, dread, feeling as if something was off in any way entered in. I did notice my placing my mom’s ruby ring on when we came home which I do often when I desire to sense a tangible closeness to her.
That fateful call in the wee hours of the morning where everything sped up, slowed down and shattered in a moment. There exists no neat and tidy container for holding such agonizing heartache. It activated those cells that are scattered throughout me who lay tucked away under a very thin, translucent flap. A flap that refuses to ever close and must be allowed an entrance into. Most especially when traumatic losses such as this are on the other side of it.
All I know is to honor and respect this time and space that is needed for my extended family. Yet, first, this honoring must land at my doorstep. Once again I am feeling my way into mountainous terrain that I am sadly all too familiar with. Cups of hot tea, time to BE, allowing my heart and mind to have their way with me. Trusting that if there is anything that I am to do, I will be given the directive, and if not, I will heed the time to be still and to listen, as this is going to be a marathon and not a quick sprint. How could this have happened to this loving and kind hearted man who clearly was making plans and not finished with living earth side? How to reconcile that, I’m not sure, yet I’ll keep talking to him as I’ve always done and make sure that I’m creating time to listen.
It hurts to breathe right now, this is hard and I also cannot help but feel such immense gratitude that we never held back, he knew and held my heart as I did his. We were in one another’s lives for sixty-eight years and we’ll be sorting out this new season together. I’ve been on this learning curve with my other loves who are no longer earth side and I expect no less from team Joanie and Don. My most favorite and beloved cousin ever who is deeply loved and sorely missed.
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