(Douglas' school picture in the ninth grade)
A Back To School Night memory that has remained with me for decades was shared from one of Douglas’ teachers. How I wish I could remember her name, yet what she said made its way into my pocket where it has remained for decades.
This immensely wise woman said, “My goal is to please most of you most of the time as I will never be able to please all of you all of the time.” Do you feel an exhale within your body and your shoulders and jaw loosen a bit? I do, and I used it just this week in an email communication and the receiver of it said she would be placing it in her pocket as well to draw upon.
Lately I have found myself in some situations where leaning into this has been invaluable. Always, it’s my younger self, my little kid that I need to soothe to let her know that we’ve done nothing wrong and that it’s okay for others to inquire, to question and to challenge.
Pausing, not feeling as if I need to engage in a rapid fire response has been saving me. Allowing myself time to realize that most often when I feel this way it’s because someone else is flexing their muscles. Perhaps needing control and to make themselves visible and how I allow it to land within me becomes my work.
How I’m choosing to spend my energy, where I’m wanting it to go has been changing exponentially. I am becoming even more curious about each of my interactions and realize that they are almost always about the giver and how I am internalizing them or not is shining a light into what is going on within me.
I grew up a people pleaser and didn’t even realize it? It took settling myself into my first Al-Anon meeting where I realized that I didn’t need to rush in, I was not a fire fighter and that most times what my people needed was for me simply to listen and to validate that they had been heard. It almost felt too simple and putting those needed reins on to help slow myself down and sometimes a muzzle too and remembering, “Did they ask?”
What I am noticing presently is in my recognition of what is happening in the moment. I can feel it within my body and I am trying to pause long enough now to allow it to inform me. Rather than berating myself for the feelings, I am desiring to acknowledge them as just that, feelings to be felt and then offered over. Generally, they are my younger self who is fearful that she made a mistake, did or said something that was not appropriate, evaluating her conversations where in places she might have dropped the ball; the kind of dialogue that my inner critic can have a field day with when I'm not vigilant.
The freedom offered within the wisdom from the middle school teacher that I will never please everyone all of the time guides me to this day. It grants me the wiggle room and grace of taking care of myself by not trying to place super human expectations on myself and on those I’m in relationship with.
I so wish my younger self had known this as I suspect I might have saved myself a lot of grief and perfectionism which wasn’t any fun and was never attainable. My gratitude muscles feel this now and what a difference it is making in my own self talk and in my daily interactions. I don’t know what Douglas learned in that teacher’s English class, yet I know what I did and it is still informing me today. Now, that's a lesson well learned for the two of us.
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