I hear often about checking in on the ones who appear strong and together on the outside and I am reminded of what I absorbed in the rooms of Al-Anon. I cannot fully comprehend nor understand what is happening within another by observing what they are choosing to present to the outside world.
Thank goodness I was raised in a household where my mom had an invisible Xray machine which she relied upon that absolutely without a doubt knew what was going on within my interior by simply glancing my way. Truly seeing me and most often it was my dark brown eyes eyes and body language that called me out. Needless to say a poker player I am not!
Reading about the current rise in those completing suicide has me pondering. Headlines suggest checking in on the strong ones. I truly do understand this on a cognitive level, yet my heart has uncovered an additional way. It’s in taking the time to BE with another, to listen for the undercurrents and to hold space as there may exist small openings to one’s interior world if I can choose to show up in this way.
Never desiring to worry or feel that another could truly hold our angst, sorrow, pains and discomfort with us becomes a barrier to a depth of conversations that could be what is longed for. Why does our inner critic take the microphone and speak loudly that everyone has their own lives, their own struggles and that we don’t want to burden anyone else? This is a dangerous memo we’ve been handed and one that needs go into the shredder.
However, this requires a staying with, allowing the one we are holding space with to take us where they need us to go. Are we able to meet them where they are and hear beyond the words as to what is truly stirring within them? Sometimes hearing something into being before words have been formulated as it searches for a tiny fissure to escape from.
Fearing that the things we might share will create discomfort for the listener and or make them want to run for the hills is always present in the depth of these waters, yet is so worthwhile to acknowledge and do it any way. Many Me Too’s and or Same might be uttered without diverting to ourselves and or taking away from their moment of sharing. One can begin to feel into when inserting a personal story to weave a common thread might be helpful. Yet, most often silence, repeating what I heard and or circling back, asking a question about how something felt and or landed for the teller of their narrative is what keeps the conversation fluid, open and flowing.
As a society we can continue to evolve and grow our active listening skills, I know I can. It is a gift to both the giver and receiver that will change our world in the most profound and healthiest of ways. Taking the needed time to be fully present, still and bear witness to one another in the highest of highs, the lowest of lows and the messy middle. This feels so worthy of our time, attention and engagement as it’s a practice and one that just might become the transformation we are each longing for.
When I recognized that I had done everything I knew to do
And still there was a force of suffering alive in me
I called out to the universe
The great benefit of that prayer was that it brought me to a place where I heard,
“Stop everything’
When I really understood what that meant,
it meant stop trying to escape,
Stop trying to be somebody
Stop trying to get away
Stop trying to survive
Stop trying to keep something away
It actually means “Be still.”
~Gangaji
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