For All Mothers, I See You

I see you because I am you and with that comes a knowledge that I so wish I didn’t have, yet I do and there is no turning my back upon it nor outrunning it because it cannot be done.

I see you each day awakening wishing that what had happened was a nightmare you could shake off. Yet, here we taking these kaleidoscope shards and hoping to create something life sustaining each time we turn the knob just a click.

I see you looking at your reflection wondering who is gazing back at you?

I see you trying to create space and time to just BE even when it feels impossible to do so.

I see you utilizing your courage each and every day because you’re still here and your beloved is not.

I see you weep in the shower and scream in your car because you don’t want to worry anyone. Fearing you might if they saw and heard what you must do to feel alive within the heavy shroud you have been handed.

I see you and how your insides settle a bit with an exhale when you hear someone call your child by name.

I see you laying down on their bed, soaking in every fiber, inhaling into their hat, their T shirt, hoping to breathe them back into being even for just a moment.

I see you signing their name on a card, in a text, an email and how validating it feels to see it where it naturally belongs, alongside of yours.

I see you sharing the narrative that you are a bereaved momma with often a huge lump in your throat to navigate around. How much bandwidth that requires, most of all because of the look in the receiver’s face of this first time information. You know this look because you had it too when thinking about the unimaginable and here you are living into it.

I see you with a heart that is as open and loving as one could be, and can bleed easily because there is only a thin translucent flap over it.

I see you not wishing this on anyone, yet wishing that a depth of care could be felt because this is forever and not something that will ever be gotten over.

I see you educating others and trying to be patient, yet there are times when you are deeply hurt because something was said that you simply cannot shake.

I see you wondering if there was anything you could have said, not said, done or not done that might have changed such a final outcome.

I see you pondering life so differently now as you understand how everything matters and you don’t hold back in letting others know how you feel.

I see you sharing your truth and being so very courageous in everything you are and do.

I see you speaking and acting on behalf of your beloved child as you are their hands and heart here on earth now.

I see you because you see me and we are not alone. There are millions of us holding one another’s hands and hearts as we show up to these lives we have been given. Not at all what we might have chosen, yet here we are.

I see us navigating this Mother’s Day in a way that is as kind, loving and gentle to our being as it can be. Only we can imagine what that looks likes for us.