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Joanie Madsen

Gazing Into Our Rearview Mirror

One of my ongoing tools has been to remind myself of how far I have traveled on this path of coming home to myself. I was reminded of this recently while in conversation with one of my pals. Could she remember how she was feeling this time last year and what might have been consuming her daily thoughts?


So often our default mode of being is to be rushing and scrambling towards the future, what’s next and we’re even reminded of trying to remain rooted, grounded, to pause and bring ourselves back into this now moment.


Yet what about contemplating and remembering that might arise? Is there not value and a place for this as well? Sometimes I found myself buying into the narrative that one should not go “back there” too often, yet in order to recognize where I am now, I need to be able to reflect upon and to remember where I was.


Actually leaning into tangible moments, recounting what I could not answer when someone asked me how many children I had or saw a picture of our family and they inquired about our son and where did he live and what was he up to? My heart still exits my body when that question is asked, yet it’s there to monitor how it is landing for the one asking as I’ve grown an extra layer of protective skin around those kinds of questions. How it lands for another, the one inquiring, has slowly over time become more of my focus. They take their cues from me as to how I am talking about Douglas. This is where my mantra of wiggle room and grace always finds me because it still depends upon the moment. There is no right or wrong way to respond, only my way and how it lands I always hope is soft, yet I cannot hold my breath and become the receiver. I simply give, even if it feels messy, awkward and uncomfortable.


In her book, This Here Flesh, by Cole Arthur Riley, she recounts as a child watching her father look at his reflection in the mirror. Cole was struck by how even a mirror could not depict the face of her father which she beheld. The author goes on to say that we need other people who can fully see our faces in ways that we cannot and to bear witness to them. What Cole is describing reminds me of a call that we each have the opportunity to heed. When we sense those in our sphere may have forgotten and cannot truly see what we do, let’s do better than holding up a mirror, let’s become a human mirror. Reflecting back to them what perhaps has been forgotten or deemed unimportant. Quite the contrary, all those markers, milestones, twists and turns are paramount and worth pausing for to remember and to inhale deeply. Between the inhale and the exhale is the necessary pause, the gap, this is where healing takes root and finds her home.


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