(A birthday card sent from my first friend, we met at age three and have been in one another's spheres for over six decades now.)
Intense and Awkward are what my mentor and I had an amazing shared moment of laughter over as she described herself using those two words and that’s me as well. We were speaking of friendships and how vital they are for our well-being. I recalled a dear friend of mine recounting that she almost headed for the hills in our early encounters. We giggle over it today, yet it has been valuable information for me as I’ve received a peek into what it might feel like to be in my company. As a child my mom would always remind my sister and me to “take it down a notch,” and now I understand what she meant by that. Not to change who I am, yet to be aware that not everyone is wearing their insides on their outside and that it’s necessary to be curious and to learn about all the friendship styles one may embody.
I was listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast with Dr. Marisa Franco, who has written a book called, Platonic. In her book she describes the levels that we can be as we enter into new friendships. Most obviously as I listened I realized that I have and can still be a level three at times when perhaps a level one or two would have sufficed. She delves into our attachment styles which are a precursor for how we experience friendships. Our sense of safety and belonging serving as core foundational elements.
My Piscean nature of being a deep diver can be a blessing and also cause many intense and awkward moments as I navigate friendships. I’ll never forget my mom telling me as a child that if I had one good friend that was all that was needed and to have more would be the icing on the cake. Such a relief that was to my inner often intense little self as truly I was dumbfounded as to why I wasn’t liked by all? Lol! Understanding this about her daughter she desired not to squelch my enthusiastic spirit, yet meet me where I was and work alongside of me. She explained that there would be a broad spectrum of friends in my life. Some would become acquaintances, others I would allow to take up residence within my heart at first glance, and I would notice those who just kept walking past in search of their people.
Dr. Marco shares, “The healing force of friendship extends past our mental health and into our physical. The power of friendship just isn’t a relic of ancient thinking. It’s demonstrated by science. Psychologists theorize that our relationships, like oxygen, food, and water, are necessary for us to function.”
Community and friendship are statistically keeping us healthier and happier than even our diet and exercise can. That is not implying that those two components are not vital too, yet loneliness and isolation are not our natural mode of being and I believe each of us received a master’s class in this during the pandemic.
Children are our best teachers as I witness them befriend one another. It helps me to remember what it requires to take the plunge to see where I may land. Moving from the easy chair of observing to the playground of engagement and participating can feel like a bold and courageous leap. Perhaps it will be a one time encounter, yet it is never a failure to continue to try to find our people.
Safety is ground zero and a foundational element in friendships, believing that we are truly likable as is the one we are moving toward. I have learned that I can dial down the intensity and still feel like my authentic self. The awkwardness will always remain as it's a reminder of our shared humanity. The paradox within is that it nudges me along and encourages me to continue to take risks in the friendship arena of my life. I am discovering it to be as needed as my ability to breathe and I will forever have beginner's mind surrounding it.
(Brené Brown, one who has been teaching me about showing up and entering into the arena.)
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