It Belongs

I was recently listening to Tara Brach, www.tarabrach.com on a talk she was offering on pain and the body. Reminding her listeners that pain x resistance equals suffering. A simple math equation, and one that I am quite familiar with. Disassociating from our bodies when we hurt often results in added discomfort and increased malaise over time. It may become a temporary fix and it’s one that all human engage in, yet by taking a pause to stay within the body to observe what it is feeling and what it may be asking for often can decrease the intensity and duration.

Repeating these two words, ‘It belongs,’ whenever facing something that feels painful, uncomfortable and hard may generate a shift. Loosening the unyielding vice grip allowing it to take its place among all the other feelings, some of which are neutral and perhaps even okay. Scientists have apparently done studies on our immune systems validating that it can optimally do its job of healing when we are engaged within the it belongs way of being.

When in resistance of what is, fatigue and anxiety may come rushing in as it takes increased energy to be engaged in a wrestling match against the reality of what is. This by no means negates that when faced with unbearable pain it may be impossible to embrace this practice. Seeking in all cases whatever medical attention, tools and assistance that our bodies are requiring is paramount and must be made on an individual basis.

I have never been more acutely aware of this moving through a particularly painful emotional resistance. I was lugging around and doing an adept job at talking around it, rather than digging into. It was as if my GPS led me to the site and I knew of its existence. I had touched upon it previously, yet I kept it safely distanced at a surface level. I simply was not ready for the trap door to give way quite yet, and everything I had been healing was preparing me for when I was. There was absolutely no rushing this and the timing was perfect. I have learned to trust and do not berate myself for how long something has taken me to finally be ready to delve into.

As I am working this with my mentor, peeling back one layer at a time, we are looking at what is true and what is a story that I have constructed around trying to make sense of the senseless loss of my son. Senseless is a word Douglas used as he was living in denial of what he was facing. The monstrous disease of addiction and believing he could control and manage what he simply could not was his demise. What has been slowly emerging is that very final and horrible reality of the end of his physical life; is transmuting into a deeper understanding, awareness and complete accountability for his part and mine too as addiction is a family disease. Douglas and I are immersed within this together as I am pulling gently on the threads that are unraveling a web of falsehoods that were never accurate for either of us.

My mentor said something that really hit a tender knowing. She inquired if it was easier to sit with those stories I had fabricated or feel the intensity of the pain of his loss. Bingo, that was it and I fully embrace what she is bringing to me. Similar to my experiences of feeling frustration and anger and often what is underneath is fear. May I simply offer myself a free pass to be able to fully feel the loss of my son, understanding that it is something I will forever carry until I’m no longer in my human body. It belongs, and the more I can honor that the pain will be present, more intense at times and peaceful moments will be mine as well. Suffering does not have to become the other bookend of this spectrum of living into what is.

My sleeves are rolled up, as I inch closer to the excavation site when I have my sessions. Feeling forever grateful for the loving assistance without an ounce of judgment that I am receiving. I laugh, cry, sweat, utter some spicy words from time to time and have never felt more embodied than I do presently. My guides reminded me in a recent meditation of all that I have been healing and they made known that no one leaves this earthly incarnation without something. Showing how my awareness and willingness to work with my mother wound hopefully will allow me to not have to pack this along to wherever I may be going next. I’m all in for traveling lighter these days and it is motivating me to stay the course.

“This very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now… with its aches and its pleasures…is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” ~ Pema Chödron