Where have we bought into the notion that we’re supposed to have everything figured out? A byproduct of that is that we don’t have needs because if we do we fear appearing “needy?”
I was conversing with a friend the other day and she mentioned how a dear friend of hers told her what she needed for her to do. She desired her to check in on her periodically to inquire as to how she’s feeling and doing as she’s in the midst of a challenging time. We both marveled at how immensely wonderful it is because her friend had pondered her needs and was expressing them.
Where did this outdated memo ever come from that makes one feel that they are supposed to have it all together? Be self sufficient one hundred percent of the time and if we are not then there is something inherently very wrong with us. OY!
I’ll never forget my mom sharing that she would change her dinner menu when she could not wrestle a lid off because she lived alone and dared to not pick up the phone or run next door. (Even though we had purchased those helpful lid removers) it made her feel susceptible and she never wanted to be a bother.
What prevents us from letting others know our needs? I suspect we’ve asked and it’s been a no, from time to time. No doubt it is a vulnerable act and it is not easy to put oneself out there. However, it creates an opportunity for the next person in line to be the yes, and it might delight them to assist?
I missed something that was really important to another with a loss in their extended family that they thought I should have known. I did not and the result were some very tender and hurt feelings. I circled back immediately after owning my part and inquired as to why they did not bring it directly to me in the moment? What is so fascinating is that they thought they had and I even went back to re-read past texts to see where I had dropped the ball and the language used was not obvious. It felt safe, it did not say, “I am needing ________ (fill in the blank.)”
It would be so much easier if I were a mind reader and I do fairly well most days trying to be aware. However, when I’m not getting it I am asking for assistance with this. It does not mean that the support will be any less valued or appreciated as it actually might be more in alignment with what is most helpful?
A vivid memory I have with my late mom was when I had not visited her as often as she had hoped for. She simply said, “Joan, you must come and see me more than you have been.” Yes, she was absolutely right and I made more of an effort and desired to after she expressed her needs. Of course, I knew this and was hoping I could squeak on by. I had allowed life to get in the way of one of my most precious and beloved relationships. I vowed to do better as I knew better. Isn’t that all we can ask of ourselves and one another?
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