My favorite moment in Cheryl Strayed's Dear Sugar book, Tiny Beautiful Things is when she responds to someone who doesn’t understand how, after her miscarriage, her boyfriend and everyone else seem to just be living life like nothing really happened. She could not understand why she felt so stuck in her grief while the world resumed its turning. “I know why” Strayed responds, “because everyone else is living on planet: Earth and you are living on planet: My Baby Died”. ~Nadia Bolz-Weber
I am struck by the haunting beauty of these words as I have been surrounded by family losses as of late. My dear cousin, Don, last March, and now his brother’s wife, on the fourth of July, who for two years was trying to beat the odds of a rare form of cancer.
As they awaken today, the day after, I am transported to that surreal and out of body time of gazing out of my own window looking at planet Earth. Hearing cars driving by, observing my neighbors walking to their mail boxes and smelling freshly cut grass, as life continued on for them Yet, living on the planet of your Beloved who is no longer earth side, this is not your gaze as your life has come to an abrupt and painful halt. This is a universal truth for the bereaved. As one walks on the quaking ground of what now is trying to find something, anything to hold onto to steady oneself as to what once was. This becomes one’s new planet to learn how it inhabit and there are no dot to dot books nor road maps to follow. However, anchor places exist along the way and a few shade trees too where respite is possible.
I step back and gently hold the space for whatever needs to be happening within their immediate and intimate circle. I do not know what is best for them, I do not know how they feel, yet I am able to nod my head and utter quietly, “Me too, Me too.” Perhaps symbolizing that healing is possible even when it seems utterly impossible to imagine; as those who walked a few steps ahead of me were a silent reminder of for me.
May you, in the words of Etty Hillesum, “Give your sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due”.
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