I experienced one of those major plate tectonic shifts in my last call with my mentor. An instance where everything feels as if is it speeding up and slowing down in the same breath.
She said, “What if you knew you had already helped enough people and everything now is a bonus?” I’m still not sure if this has completely landed within me, yet I’m circling the runway and my wheels are slowly cranking down.
There exists a common thread among bereaved women to discover ways for our children to continue to be remembered and live on in the acts that we are doing for two now. I expressed this to my mentor that we are hoping for our children to feel proud of their mommas. She reassured me that they already are and if just one person is helped we’ve accomplished what we are longing for.
A lightning bolt came in and I wondered if the one person that our children care the most about might be us? What if we are the one person and everyone and everything else is indeed the bonus my mentor speaks of?
Feeling like Jacob Marley, in A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens, dropping some of those unbearably heavy self imposed chains that are not mine to carry is what it felt like. I can entangle myself within them in a red hot second when I’m feeling restless, guilty, as if I’m not honoring the memory of my son because what if I’m actually just BEing rather than doing? Does that count too?
These are thoughts and they are not my truth and I find that when I sense them circling it is paramount to pause. Going within to flush out this inner critic and almost always it’s my little girl who is frightened and needing to know that I’ve got her. She’s the one chattering away and asking for needed reassurance and care.
Discovering that just a simple reframing in language can totally shape shift my interior world much like the movement of the plates does within our earth is absolutely mesmerizing to me. I’m not sure I could arrive here alone and that is why I always remind my community that no matter how messy we are, there is always a seat at the table to hear one another’s hearts into healing.
No need in believing that we only show up with our shiny and sparkling selves because we might be too much when we’re in our sweat pants and most likely in need of a shower. That’s a distant speck in my rearview mirror now and I say, “Bring it on, come as YOU are and no masks required or needed at our table.”
Gentle and loving care to each of us as we take a seat, nestle in and know that we’ve already helped many simply with our existence and our day to day interactions. Everything now IS the bonus as we continue to show up as we are able. Remembering, reminding ourselves and one another that it’s enough, more than enough. That one person, the one we spend the most time with, is the one our children are speaking of and they are so very proud. I’m resting and leaning into this is as my wheels prepare to land on solid ground and remain there before the next time I find myself in flight.
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