I must admit that hearing Tyler Merritt, in his book, I Take My Coffee Black, speak the words, “Proximity Breeds Empathy,” and how this has been pivotal for him in how he shows up in all his relationships awakened something within me that I had been hitting the snooze button on one too many times.
In this world of texting and emailing it can masquerade as staying connected and in touch and it certainly can be, yet there is a flashing yellow light that offers a caution with it too. It may lack the personal hearing of a voice, having someone in the room, even a face time and or zoom call inches us a bit closer.
Things might be expressed in a text and or email that one would never utter to another when looking in one another’s eyes, sensing body language and remembering our shared humanity on this planet. It takes the othering out of the equation which creates deep chasms that in time might feel impossible to navigate. Proximity invites us to see the many ways in which we are alike, rather than the default mode of focusing on all the ways in which we may differ.
I will never forget my first Al-Anon meeting that I attended. I had an internal dialogue running looking for the differences rather than the similarities with those who were sharing. I quickly recognized this and challenged myself to shift my lens. What if I could be listening for the ways in which we were alike, how might that affect what I was receiving in meetings? This is what I desired and noticed that if I could remain in beginner’s mind and curious how might I receive rather than reject? It felt as if I was onto something of great importance and value and indeed I was.
This continues to motivate and to help me search for the puzzle pieces that might connect me to another in whatever it is we are both moving through, because everyone is carrying something. Sometimes what I’m hauling around feels like a crushing boulder and other times it might be a pesky pebble in my shoe, yet when I share it with another, it always begins to feel lighter. It is part of our shared humanity and by showing up, finding proximity, it invites and welcomes empathy. Tara Brach states “How to help us find resilience and an open heart in the face of an uncertain and frightening future.” I feel this now more than ever with what is happening in our world and also in a deeply personal way.
Megan Devine, the author of the book, It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay, shares, “When you’re not allowed to tell the truth about your grief, the pain doesn’t go away. It finds other ways to speak.” I might add that telling the truth about whatever may be keeping me up at night, my deepest secrets, mistakes, regrets, what I am remorseful of, those shadow places within me that I fear if you knew of, you would sprint away as fast as you could. You might, that’s a risk I’ll take, yet what has happened more often is that you move closer to me because I’m offering you proximity into my inner most being and that is where our empathy for one another finds shared fertile ground in which to take root and to grow.
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