(Painting by Ginger, Kyle's mom)
When something shows up three times in mentoring calls with women I’m in conversation with it has piqued my curiosity, grabbed my attention and yearns to be explored.
In early loss the only way I knew to learn how to live within it was to compartmentalize. I used the visualization of boxes where I could place my Douglas sorrow into a box. Understanding that it would be there waiting for me when I had the strength to bring it down to poke throughout it. Sometimes as I was placing the box upon the shelf it might come toppling down begging for more of my time and attention.
In that moment I had to check in with myself to discern if I had enough bandwidth for the box to quite literally have its way with me. I might take out one item, perhaps several and allow whatever needed to enter in to do so. Perhaps I thought I was ready and I clearly was not and doing a lot of gentle self talk reminding myself that I have a lifetime in which to get this sorted out offered me the grace that I longed for.
Somehow someone or something thought I was ready and the boxes where I could place my grief were slowly being replaced. I didn’t require them as I once had because my body, mind and soul were assimilating how to carry not only his painful loss, yet his vibrant and meaningful life side by side. Two truths coexisting and taking up space within me that I noticed I was moving between. Sometimes it felt like I was learning how to drive a stick shift, grinding the gears, jerking, stalling out, yet now Douglas and I have the hang of it and for me it’s been a two person effort. I could not have done this without his guidance and patience in waiting for me to be ready to grow and evolve our relationship in this way.
In the conversations I’ve had recently mothers are sharing how they feel their children interacting with them on a daily basis. Whether they are at home, work, running errands, their children are weighing in on many of their choices in their interactions and encouraging them to even try new endeavors. Several women have taken up creative passions such as painting, poetry, dance lessons and growing a garden naming just a few. Expressing how they are having an ongoing conversation with their children asking what colors to use in a painting, which flowers to plant in their garden and what type of dancing would be most exciting to try.
This is that rounding a corner I speak of, when our loved one is found within everything that flows within. A thought, a smile, a breath, a heartbeat, a frustration, a tear, always and forever infused within us in ways never imagined. As wild and crazy as it might sound I have sometimes felt closer to my son in spirit than I ever did while he was in a physical body. Of course I will forever lament my Douglas bear hugs, his laugh, intense sense of humor, his physical essence, yet this is something that is hopeful and worth waiting for. It is not for just a select few, yet it can happen for everyone and the timing is as unique as our healing path is. Once that corner is rounded we never go back as it’s simply not possible. The gravitational pull to continue moving forward with our beloveds becomes our invitation. It is one that will be accepted even before we’ve had time to RSVP, it’s happening of that we can be certain.
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