Envy and loss are something that I discovered go hand in hand, are experienced, felt deeply, yet are an often neglected, forgotten and unexpressed aspect of grief for many.
A tsunami of feelings can wash over me when I least expect it watching a mother with her son. I am transported into wishing it were Douglas and me with our arms around one another, laughing together or even engaging in some nonsensical banter as we often did.
I remember vividly how unprepared I was when my sister’s eldest son was married. We were at the reception and it was time for the mother/son dance. When I saw them in one another’s arms, delighting in the moment, uncontrollable tears welled and spilled down my flushed, hot and embarrassed face. I was trying not to make this moment about me, yet my heart had other ideas. I lowered my head hoping no one was noticing. Another tangible and painful reminder of an occasion that I would never be able to share with my Douglas. I felt gutted and even my husband had no idea of how this landed for me until I shared what I had experienced.
What I do know is that I must acknowledge that tug on my heart and name it for what it is. Envy is an unexpected visitor, yet it’s a natural part of grieving. I’ve been learning how to allow her to work through me. If a sense of shame and embarrassment are a result, I tenderly remind myself that it’s part of being human.
Envy and I are learning how to co-exist and I’ve found that the more I am able to acknowledge and name her, her leveling of me doesn’t feel as acute. I never know what may trigger my envy response, yet I recognize it now for what is.
One bereaved mother shares how envy impacts her, “Child loss is an experience of profound inequality and injustice. Our children didn’t die because they deserved to. They did not die because we deserved to lose them. Your children are alive not because you deserve them more. There is nothing fair or just or equal about child loss.”
“There is no shame in longing for what we once had because it was beautiful and filled with meaning and love. Finding comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched for sharing them together.” (Excerpt taken from a New York Times article.)
In my early walk with grief and loss I clung to any kind of normalizing of the feelings that were placing me into a spin cycle of wondering if something was horribly wrong with me? We need to be able to speak of envy openly and how it relates with loss. Changing our language into more, “Me Too” moments than isolating in shame.
When those familiar pangs of envy arise, I pause, name it and my work begins utilizing the tools I have been gathering for just such a moment. In doing so it seems to lessen its once unyielding grip on my heart. It is part of longing for what was which I will do for as long as I am living in my earth suit. I understand this now and it presents me with opportunities to practice self compassion and kindness.
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