My dream world is vivid and recently I awakened with a Venn diagram in my thoughts. The longer I sat with it I realized that my grief and healing path have been very much like this diagram.
The circle to the left was my life filled with all its busyness and living before loss. The circle to the right was where I landed when I was faced with my son, Douglas, who no longer resided in his physical body. This had to be some kind of horrible and wretched mistake as I did not belong here. I felt as if I was in a strange and foreign land and didn’t have language yet for what was overtaking every inch of my being. It hurt to breathe, my breath was shallow, as a conscious, deep inhale felt like shards of glass piercing my lungs. Everything ached and hurt and it did for a very long, long time as I resided solely in my acute grief circle.
Where the two circles overlap, this is where I am now, in this middle place most days and I’m not even certain when I arrived here? Was there a “Welcome” mat out for me to wipe my feet on, I don’t think so. Was there a dot, a “Here” this is where you are now? No, not either of these happened, yet what did occur was I noticed I could land between both the circles in any given moment. I had packed lightly and only needed my beginner’s mind and a glimmer of hope that maybe this was where I might sign a long term lease? Perhaps this is where I belonged, not in my life as I had known it and not in soul crushing acute grief? A middle place where I could land and explore how I was feeling in this now moment. Could I say, yes, to this, and feel deserving to receive it? “Grief is a tricky and unpredictable creature. It changes its face every minute and often appears in disguise.” This depiction by Galit Atlas, in her book, Emotional Intelligence, allows me to not feel so alone in my frequent flier status between these three circles.
Lately, I have found myself plopped back into that circle on my right, the one that my body remembers and understands how to navigate better than my mind can. My body reminds me not to believe my thoughts, to allow them to be and to move all the way through me so that I can offer them over into the light. I needed to be reminded of this by my mentor last week as she could sense I was grasping and holding onto what I didn’t need to. That tricky default mode of being that can sneak up upon me even before I have even realized it.
This is what happens when we have our community of healers and listeners who can hear us back into our bodies. “We all need another human to bear witness and accompany us on the emotional journey of life, another person who can accept our feelings and process them with us. We need to be known.” Galit Atlas, describes the alchemy of healing that can be ours when we feel seen and heard.
I am reminded too of the value of my bubble watchers. Those who patiently watch and wait. I’m not asking you to jump in after me or caretake my feelings as that is not your job. My feelings are mine and no one needs to feel as if they need to take them on. However, what you we can offer one another is our presence. A complete presence, of walking alongside and not internalizing what is not ours. Two ears, one mouth, an open heart and non grasping hands. This is the middle place where peace lays her welcome mat and invites me to enter into. I am learning that it’s a practice, not a destination, and she’s asking me to remain for as long as I desire to.
This place was described to me in various ways by those a few steps further ahead of me on this path. They graciously held the door open for me and I now hold it open for those who are right behind me. When you are ready, I’m here and so are countless other beautiful humans who intimately know this middle place where living into the both/and IS possible and where oxygen masks are no longer needed. It doesn't hurt to breathe here and I give thanks daily for this amazing grace that I don't begin to understand, yet am forever grateful for with each and every breath that I take.
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