The Other Side of Yet

Photo Credit: Grey Dobson, my grandson.

I am currently reading, The Other Side of Yet, by Michelle D. Hord. A brutiful read as Glennon Doyle, refers to it, where brutal and beautiful collide, and both are true. How often do we find ourselves where we cannot return to our before, and our yet, has not been revealed? The author writes, “make a hard pivot from before to yet. Your only choice is to accept and save yourself. I choose to navigate a new world with a new set of constellations rather than going down with the ship of my old life. There is no playbook.”

How many times did I find myself clinging for dear life to some semblance of my before life no matter the thousand or more paper cuts it was inflicting upon me. The pain of those splinters, slivers felt more familiar, perhaps even safe, than the thought of pushing off, into the vast unknown. It had not revealed itself yet, but I desired to trust that in time it would.

This is when I have found it to be helpful to embrace the practice,“Acting as if.” Imagine, believe, pretend, conjure, do whatever it may take, to envision myself moving from a before that I will never return to, into that which may not have revealed itself yet, but will. I was recently discussing self forgiveness with a friend, and I used this metaphor, of acting as if, trusting that we have somehow been forgiven, and believing it, even if cannot yet. Could we offer ourselves the same grace, that we grant another? This requires not holding ourselves to such high standards that are not sustainable. Spiraling into shame, embarrassment, lack of self-compassion, and ultimately a fear of repeating mistakes, which may prevent us from fully letting go of past actions.

As I remove the over coat of this past year, giving thanks for what it gifted me, and also realizing that in some lived moments more layers are required than in others. Within the mystery of the not knowing, yet, is the present, the only now that I have. Trusting that I have everything I need, and that I’m being guided. Pausing frequently and long enough to drop within to listen, is my North Star. Discovering my yet in the quiet, as I stand at the crossroads of what once was and the vast unknown which awaits.

One thing that I do know for sure, is that this season of life for me is not about more. Rather, it is about deepening what is and plumbing the depths. This is a reoccurring theme that is woven throughout many of my conversations and written musings as of late. Integration and remediation as an individual and within the collective are calling. I will be bringing myself back into this, when I feel the temptation to push the “eject button.” To try to remain within what is until it has had its way wtih me. Asking for the ongoing courage to plunge more deeply into what is presenting itself. Mariana Trench, I am welcoming you, and may we feel as one, dancing, playing, and resting within one another's healing and life sustaining embrace.

The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you found out why.” ~ Mark Twain