As tender days approach, a birthday, the day our beloved shed their earth suit, Mother’s Day, the holidays, there is a common heart tether that binds each of us together with one another that I have heard time and time again when tapping into my own inner voice and listening to other bereaved mommas.
It is the intense fear, angst, worry and even some panic that when my body alerts me that a challenging day is coming and my insides are all over my outside shouting that there’s something terribly wrong. Yes, there is, it’s the jarring reality that my child is no longer earth side, in physical form, and that is what is causing the intensity of the sadness, longing and sorrow.
What I know for sure is that I won’t topple into that abyss and be back to where I was on that fateful day when my life as I had known it was no longer. I have learned how to inch and crawl my way out of it now and I don’t need to go “there” as often or stay as long as I once did. This is healing in action, where it becomes a verb and is not an abstraction.
It is an absolute truth that I stand by as I have witnessed my own inner healing and walked alongside others with theirs. It’s our birthright to heal and to learn how to carry and integrate our losses into the lives we are living now. I have felt it as a hunger that I didn’t even realize I had until it became all consuming and I desired with every fiber of my being to find a way to heal.
In one of my early grief books I recall reading about placing my grief in boxes that I could put lids upon when necessary and place high on a closet shelf. I like that because some days a box that I believe I might have sorted and sifted through comes toppling down and I allow it to have its way with me. I can direct my entire attention into this box and when I’ve had enough place it back upon the shelf. Now, what sometimes happens is that these boxes may come tumbling down when it’s least expected and what it is asking of me is to feel the intensity of the feelings, not to try to stuff them down, override them or try to busy myself or outrun them. Simply BE with whatever is coming in and to not overthink it and to understand that this is the process of grief, loss and healing. It's not linear, it's cyclical and there will be ebb times, flow times and automatic pilot times as well.
This is a biggie, it’s one I hear about often and I know it well. I will never be back to that tragic, fateful day in July. It may feel as if I am, my mind might even try to trick me into believing that I am, yet I am not. Healing is happening even when I least expect it and my body and heart have carved a well worn path out of the darkness of the abyss back into the light and the land of the living. This is for each of us in grief and loss, it is not just for a select few. It’s meant for everyone to experience fully and deeply when they are ready to and not a moment before. This I know for sure because it is my lived experience and I hope it is yours or that you can remain open to the possibility that it may be in time.
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